WORTH A READ...

a new and cutting edge take on education..an ongoing passion of mine. Understanding how the brain works, and works out.....

http://being.publicradio.org/programs/2010/learning-doing-being/

I LOST MY PHONE...

...and it unhinged me.

It was Tuesday, sort of middle of the week in the ongoing struggle of looking for work, keeping it all together, the usual assortment of stresses, and the phone took me down.

I knew I had used it just the night before, and I knew I had not put it on the charger overnight. The phone is nearly 2 years old, starting to have troubles, but still very serviceable.

I tore the kitchen and my office apart...I drove David insane with it, then I cried. It became the flashpoint for all of the veneer cracking around my jelly of a day. Finally, David said, " Enough, we are getting you a new phone.."

And, so we did.

When C came home from school, she went upstairs and came down with the old phone in her hands...and after a lot of backpedaling and intense re-shuffling of history, accompanied by tears, we learned that she had stashed it in such an out of the way place...Houdini could have been using it. Like all people, she just put it there on her way to another thing.

When she realized I was not going to ground her for the rest of her life, or drive the car over her bike....we both had another big cry (my second of the day).

How could a hone do this to me...it was more about my own responses...my own so very thin skin of confidence in these days.

David called it an opportunity to upgrade my phone....and he is right. So forever shall it be.

I DID LOSE MY PHONE

IT DID NOT WANT TO BE FOUND

AND SO A NEW ONE.

CONFUSION AND TEARS

THEN CLARITY ABOUNDS

WRITE A CHECK AND DROID

THIS SHELL IS SO THIN

UNDERNEATH JELLY AND MOOSH

GOTTA BE CAREFUL.

IOKU...

I stink...

Seems the caffeine did me in..I THOUGHT I was writing haiku...but, I HAD IT BACKWARDS, INSIDE OUT...instead of 5-7-5 (syllables, that is...) I wrote in 7-5-7. Funny, but I had this feeling that I kept getting it wrong...but, I persevered, sure that if I kept counting I would make it work.

When did I see the error of my ways? While walking Milo. All good thinking happens on dog walks...

The awful time has come that Nicky (at 15) can no longer do the long course dog walk...that is a hearty walk up Bagley, with it's nice hills and final flat, hard right and hard right again at Canfield to return to across Beverlywood and back to our house. It usually takes about 45 minutes, with Nicky prancing ahead for a few blocks, then me pulling her after the last turn and us slowing down to get her home.

Last Friday, I pushed her too hard. I knew we were coming to the end of these lovely tandem 2 dog walks.....but, I just did not want it to end. We stopped three times for her to rest and when we got home, she was panting and limping.

So, now, I take them both around the block, bring Nicky home and take only Milo on the long course....Nicky glares at me as I release her from the leash, she is a proud dog. Milo and I do the long course in about 30 minutes, we both walk fast.

somewhere as I as trying to put this all into 7-5-7, it occurred to me that something just did not feel right. I kept counting sylls ( I do it with my fingers...), I felt it was amiss, but I kept swapping words and counting.

I do not withdraw the previous IOKUS (Inside out haikus) , but offer up these, DOGWALKUS to try and express the situation...

She prances ahead

Then lags, I pull the leash, hard,

She sniffs as she walks.

Nicky is fifteen.

Many years in human years,

She is a proud bitch.

Long course is too long,

Around the block is too short,

She lags as I pull.

Nicola came first,

I remind Milo and cats,

My first baby love.

SOCCU...

I am fully a soccer mom. Camille is playing AYSO, we are in U12, section 76, her team is The Incredibles...they seem to be constantly matched against better teams. The other teams seem to have stronger players, but our Increds try really hard.

I bring a camp chair, iced coffee and the ipod...I also started thinking of haikus to work thru and so decided to post a few...

SOCCUS

LaCeienga Park now,

Camp chairs and water,

Sat AM, AYSO.

Whew, so hot AYSO,

Today, drink water,

Run hard, kick, hard, just one goal.

It's cool on the field today,

Is that rain falling?

Don't stop, run, kick, just one goal.

Wish I had brought a sweatshirt,

Uh, wait, not so fast,

The sun comes out, now it's hot.

Iced double cap, ipod, CHECK,

Camp chair, cell phone, CHECK,

Is today Saturday? CHECK.

JOIN ME!

Admittedly, these are not great, but I figure if I keep at it, I will get better!!!

The subject is soccer, AYSO, in particular...those practices, those unending emails from hardworking coaches, the sidelines....

7-5-7 is the medium.....

1ST (HOPEFULLY) ANNUAL B00KRAVE BOOK DRIVE!!

I have been trying to donate a coupla cartons of books for about a year. In between jobs, I find myself staring at these boxes and constantly thinking about it. The boxes keep growing as I try to contain the clutter of my home and daily life in our millennium.

I took them to a few local libraries, sorted out the kids books for our school, tried the YMCA, and all the usual suspects...but in the end, the boxes remain.

I love books, I love ebooks and I love audio books....

There are some books I will never part with, but many have been read (or will never get read), and although enjoyed (or not) are ready to move onto another home...

Luckily, I found

BOOKS FOR PEOPLE

They are a non-profit who will collect the books, and distribute to libraries, hospitals, shelters, jails and other venues who are in need of reading material. They will take all sorts of books, hardcover, paperback, fiction, non-fiction, cookbooks, scientific books, how to books...

NO PORN, MAGAZINES OR NEWSPAPERS....

I have arranged a pick up for July 24, 2010 at my house in WLA....

I would love to have your books for this donation!!

Share the joy that is reading...a book needs no batteries, no charger and no electronics to work it's magic....your old reads are somebody else's magic carpet or inspired how to!!

I bet you have some books that are just gathering dust, books you would like to see go onto another worthy reader....

PLEASE JOIN IN...it is uber easy..

1. Drop off at ANY TIME at my house ...you can just leave books on my front steps if nobody is home. I will box for BFP pick up....email me for map to chez moi....or check BOOKRAVE page on FB, as link/map is posted there!

2, I will pick up from you! Your house or place of business....especially your place of business...set up a drop box and get your comrades to join in...email me for arranging a pick up in the LA area...

?s, comments, suggestions??

f

Fern Martin

ffhm@mac.com

IF YOU WRITE A BOOK ON YOUR LAPTOP....

...will it ever get launched?

I wrote an ebook, a guide to what I know best, film production. I wrote it on my laptop, I stewed and braised over it all and finally finished it. I am constantly thinking of things I think I did wrong and want to fix, but I resist the urge.

I must not sabatouge myself.

The desire for failure is strong...the desire to not put it out there , not to be judged, not to have mistakes made public, theory is so private.... the desire to not succeed...hard to resist.

I am fighting it, but some days I do better than others. It seems so much easier to be a victim of time, work or just to let it die...

I am close, so close...and yet the desire for failure is strong.

It takes an act of will to go forward. I have this suspicion that if I can do this, I can move ahead, but I have to take responsibility.

Ouch, there it is.

WHEN AT A LOSS FOR WORDS....DINIM....

YEAH, cook.

At a loss for what to say on Monday morning, yes I am.

quick re-cap..

PHONE BILL, sorted out, roaming charges reduced DRAMATICALLY, bill paid.

OTHER DOCS..filed

EMAILS, looking for work, witty repartee included, sent.

JOGATHON 21 wrist bands for Camille, pretty good.

So, getting onto something , about which I can do something...I offer up my mother's goof proof baked chicken. dinner on a dime+DINDIM..

LORNA'S BAKED CHICKEN

1 whole chicken, cut up into sections

1 cup all purpose flour

3 T dry rub ( I use my mom's, it is a secret recipe she got from the NY Times a zillion years ago, but will not share the ingredients, so try whatever you like to season the flour)

BUTTER, a big lump, sorry, not to scientific but you will get it right away

OLIVE OIL...a smear..

1/2 lb (thereabouts) of small red or yellow potatoes, cut in quarters, skins still on.

1/2 lb mushrooms, cleaned and split in the middle

Preheat oven to 375, and put lump of buyer and smear of oil in bottom of baking pan. I use a rectangular metal pan, dark in color as it seems to brown the bird the best. Put pan in oven and melt butter, while the oil warms.....roll it around the bottom of pan to coat lightly

Meanwhile, combine flour with dry rub to season. wash and pat dry chicken parts, then dredge gently in seasoned flour. Make sure the parts are lightly coated but shake off excess.

Place chicken parts SKIN SIDE DOWN in pan...sprinkle seasoned flour on potatoes and arrange them in pan as well.

Bake for 30 minutes, then flip the parts over (skin side up) move the potatoes around and add the mushrooms (you can lightly flour them as well) to pan and continue baling about another 30 minutes.

I use an instant read thermometer to check interior temp of thickest part of meat....when it hits

160 it is done. By then the potatoes should be cooked and crisp and the mushrooms nicely roasted.

NOTE, the dry rub is the main seasoning...s if you do no have it, you can generously salt and pepper the chicken..or use herbs of your choice, rosemary, sage, thyme, garlic all good, I do occasionally add peeled garlic cloves and let them roast as well....but, not mandatory.

There should be some yummy bits stuck to the bottom of the pan, when we were kids we used to fight over who got to scrape the pan.

ENJOY....

I will get back to exorcising demons tomorrow, they did wake me today..but, for some unknown reason I went blissfully back to sleep. Not sure how I did it, but I will think on it and let you know.

HOW NOT TO SUCK AT BLOGGING.....

Well, as I was writing...something happened that shook me to my core. My husband opened up our phone bill (our two cells, plus our long time housekeeper's) and my bill from recent job in Toronto 3400$...in roaming charges.

Yes, I had called them before I took off, left word on some nameless voicemail, thinking that I could hook up a better plan, but then, when nobody returned the call, I let it go. I got BUSY and just did the work....

3400$$$$$

Now I had anticipated about 5-600 in phone charges...I mean you GOTTA use your cell phone. And, I thought I was being uber conscience in NOT using the hard line at the hotel....so, I had a fit.

Luckily, David took the situation in hand, called them and they credited ups something like 2600$, bringing it down to a reasonable 900 and change, reasonable to get re-imbursed for all of those calls.

But, my hands were shaking and my stomach dropping.

How could I be so retarded! Not only for myself, but for the future. As I struggle here in a constricting free lance market, this is the kind of thing that makes people think you are dumb as a box of stones. How will I get the next gig??

I didn't take time to take care of myself.

I am still aghast...I keep reading about the PASSION it takes to blog, to find your niche, to find your audience, to find your core. The guts it takes to be real and transparent and write something worth people taking the time to read. And so, as I sit here, with my heart in my throat I can say with the utmost transparency,, honesty and passion..that the margin I am living on is so narrow, that I felt it all crash around me just an hour ago. All because I did not take the time to hunt down the best situation for myself....nope I was working, giving it all up for the job.

Is that my mission? Is that my niche?

How to live on the edge of it all?? And, somehow find the grace, the compassion, the WHATEVER to keep going?

I am 53, a mother and a long time professional. I have been a homeowner since 1989 and married since 1988.

I have been a busy freelance line producer for over 20 years, have authored an ebook, and working on another. Thru all the ups and downs of this business, I was never the one who wanted out....I like it. I still like it. I would like to work more, but I understand that I was out of the loop for a while with staff jobs, and got back into the market at the perfect storm of bad timing. I had a pretty good year last year, as did my husband.

I am PASSIONATELY working on balancing all of this....as well as pushing the edges of my life, my interests and my interests to new places. I EMBRACE change, or actually I like to think about embracing change...I come to it slowly. I am a creature of habits.

I am really good at my work...and finding it difficult to live from month to month, week to week.....I was a saver and my panic fund is pretty much depleted.

There, how does that stack up for NOT SUCKING AT BLOGGING?

I AM MY OWN EXORCIST....

and I, have to be. cuz, when those demons try to take hold, it is almost always at 5 am.

It is a wicked pattern that has started, me,waking in a hot cold sweat at 5am.

The demons, the fears and worries all ganging up on me as I slip from sleep to wakefulness...I am so unprepared and so defenseless and they slip in and overwhelm my minimal defenses.

I have started a practice of calling them out before I start the long process of hunting for sleep. I tell the frustrations , sadness and worry to come out and show themselves...thus I can confront them. It is the same old story....financial fear, emotional insecurities and concerns about the future....and I call them out and they come out and I do my best to quell and then I go to sleep. But, they return when my defenses are down.

I am my own exorcist, I have to be. I cannot get anybody else to do this work.

I can barely afford to pay the mortgage and weekly groceries, who can i expect to take this on?

So, I have decided to write them out of my life...so here goes, I will get up each morning and attack them right back. But, I am going PUBLIC with my side of the story. I will make it a street (internet superhighway) brawl.

to be continued...

MORE DINING DIMING...

More about food and meals and using resources.....

I LOVE eggs, flan, custard, omelettes, egg salad...and I often work on ways to use them effectively..

PASTA AND WHATEAVER FRITATTA

1. Using leftover pasta of any sort.....

2, Heat olive oil in large ovenproof skillet....add cooked pasta, sauce and whataever protein you have or like, I did this with the thick spaghetti and turkey sausage and peppers from the other night.

3. Saute gently, til pasta and other stuff is warmed and the pasta edges get a bit crunchy, meanwhile take eggs out of the fridge and let them get to rooom temp.

4. scramble a few eggs in a bowl, I add a touch of milk or water....make them frothy

5. scramble eggs over the pasta in skillet, mix it all gently, but do not keep moving it all around, let it set up.

6. Grate some fresh parmesan over the top and put it under the broiler for a couple of minutes to crown and the eggs to set.

My ten year old loves this....we cut it in wedges and eat cold all the time....I have used every kind of pasta including ravioli and other stuffed pastas!

AS FOR WORK.....I am still spinning the bottle and carry the flame all around town. It is a year since I wrote the first blog about loving and losing our house, and we are still here. I still wake up in a panic many mornings....I fear that stress fatigue is setting in, but we carry on.

It is a very challenging season...between finding a middle school, feeling a bit isolated from the school community as everybody is moving on, looking for work, keeping tight rein on our expenses...seems so little time for restorative work.....

DINNER ON A DIME....

I am a freelancer, my husband is also a freelancer.

In this world, this economy, that is like living in a family of circus performers...we are always walking the tightrope financially.

I am always thinking of ways to make our little puddle of resources go further...and so, this includes how and what we do about eating. Like many others, we have cut back dramatically on our eating our habits....and I am trying to make the most of what I find in the fridge. To this end, I offer a little ongoing feature...DINNER ON A DIME...a few real tips and recipes and sure fire things I have learned (as a self taught and ongoing learning) cook.

As we all know, the most asked question in history is, "What's for dinner?' and, this nearly always falls to me....unless I am out of town, I find that I think of this most afternoons....so, I offer a few options.....these see geared to the mornings...but I have made delightful evening dining on both....

TOMATO TOAST-I extolled the delights of this on FB recently, but seriously I am hooked and obsess about this. equally good with with bread that is going stale and overripe toms..

1. Slice baguette or other well textured bread into slices and toast (wh grain does not work as well, I prefer baguette or artisan bread)

2. While it is toasting, cut tomato in half and grate it, using the biggest holes on the box grater...you should have nothing left in your hand except the skin.....

3. When bread is toasty, drizzle with best quality olive oil that you have, and rub with a cut side of garlic clove.

4. Top with tomato goop , sea salt and freshly grind some pepper.

My ten year old loves this...and prefers it when the bread gets slightly soggy. I find something primal and utterly satisfying in this....it goes incredibly well with a double espresso at 6am while scanning email and FB.

PASTA AND EGGS...

A well loved dish from a local restaurant here in LA, I make it with leftover pasta...eggs, garlic and grated parmesan cheese....today I added the left over chicken from dinner two nights ago.

1. Heat small amount of olive oil in skillet, add crushed garlic and saute til fragrant

2. Add leftover pasta, toss in oil til it is shiney and warms through.

3, Meanwhile, scramble two eggs in a bowl and let sit for a few moments, warming to room temp.

4 If you have left over protein, add to pan, I use chicken, turkey or sausage....

5, Add eggs, and scramble in pan with pasta and protein..btw, protein is not necessary, this is really good with just the eggs!!!

6. Turn off heat when eggs are still a bit wet, the heat of the pan will finish off the job. I like to grate in some parmesan at this point...also some chopped parsley or chives.

Simple and tasty and great way to use up last nights dinner. Tested on husband, ten year old and her friends...both are winners...

More of DINNER ON A DIME to come....

Spin the Bottle, bottle that spin.....

I am a freelancer, looking for work.

I make no bones about it, even while working, I am thinking of where and when the next job will come....

I am a friendly, professional stalker of executive producers and company owners......steadfast, orderly, polite and constant, I email, text, call, meet, greet and stay in touch. I am experienced, funny, responsible, good natured, professional and innovative at my work...all good things.

But, it is all a game of chance....chemistry....hoping that the stars align in my favor, first that my first missive is received and remembered, then that I wear the right shoes and say the right things...then that somebody else says something kind, and hopefully true about me...then that they put me on hold, book the job and it all goes well. Usually, those who work with me call me again to the task....but, not always. Each time, spin that bottle again, and see who and where it points.

I feel embattled and bitter this week.....so much emailing, calling and greeting......so little return this week.

I spun and spun and spun and it all pointed nowhere...or seemingly so.

I remind myself it is not personal...just a game of chance and timing...not (directly) about me...but, it just does not feel that way. I am constantly thinking, how do I package and re-package myself? How to I make the me of it all more appealing, more productive and more wanted...for the work, that is.

I want to be invited to the party....that is my mantra of freelance life....whether or not I actually attend, that is the part I like to think I have the control over....but I crave that invitation...that spin resulting in the right combination of time and timing,

My time, my timing.

My time, my timing...which all feels out of sync right now....how do I re-jig the puzzle, re-assemble the pieces and re-serve the dish....how do I set my timing back onto the path of productivity and success?

Order, from Chaos......

I am not a neat person....actually, I am a slob.

I have long ago come to terms with this...and I am sorry to report, that despite my admission, I am the cleanest, neatest person in my family/household.

I live with a husband (also a freelancer) , a 10 year old, two dogs and a cat who is allergic to her own fur and dander....needless to say, the SWIFFER gets a lot of work done in our humble abode.

I admit openly that I am a slob, but in my various vocations as freelance producer, author, mother and human being...i embrace my slobliness and work with it.

I recognize other slobs (no judgement) and constantly check out ow they keep it all in check. We all have our systems!. I try to assist my co-slobs in organizing (family, co-workers, etc) the little things, in the hopes that it will clear the clutter and give us all breathing room...but I am not too successful at it.

To this end, I am starting to understand why I like cleaning the kitchen. It goes against all of my slob tendencies....but, I find making order out of chaos, fulfilling.

I guess it is something about the lack of control in life....the feeling that all around me, I am attempting to wrench the river of my life and can only re direct a drop of water at any given moment But, I can take those awful, dirty messy bowls and pans, get them into order and wipe the counters clean.

It all feels good....not the actual tidying up part, I just turn up the radio or my audio book and suck it up... but the accomplishing something part. Even though I know that I will destroy the the peace at the next meal......it is weirdly satisfying..some kind of domestic crazy, sickness thing.

See, I tell myself, I can wrench a river, well maybe I can only wrench a few drops....but that is part of the river...right??

Instead of the gaping holes of looking for work, parenting an unruly 10 year old and navigating the ever tricker world of production.....this actually gets done, finito...maybe not for too long, but for a moment, I have made order out life's chaos...imposed my template on an un-knowable situation, mastered my universe (kitchen), tamed the beast and any other cliche you care to insert.

Hmmm, I am eyeing that basket of mismatched socks now.....

Sick....

ON LITERACY....

Ostensibly, about the issues of Braille vs audio/text to voice for seriously visually impaired....and of course, this is a topic of great interest to me...but a question of how we define literacy in our world.

And, an interesting comment on dyslexia in the brain as well.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL.....

Ring the bells, that still can ring....

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/03/magazine/03Braille-t.html?hpw